Dear Fiona

We have all watched a show where, at some point, we saw a little bit of ourselves in one of the characters.

For me, that show was Shameless.

And I really connected with Fiona.

Now, I am not from Chicago, I’m not Irish, and I definitely don’t have as many siblings. But I did grow up in another big city: New York. More specifically, Queens, in what I would describe as a little bit of a Spanish ghetto.

So no, our lives weren't exactly the same.

But there were enough similarities that watching her sometimes felt a little too familiar.

I am the oldest child.

My biological father was never really in the picture growing up, and my sister's father and I have always had a complicated relationship. For a large part of my childhood, my mother was essentially a single mother.

While not every decision she made was the best, now that I am older, I genuinely believe she was doing the best she knew how to do.

She definitely did better than her own parents.

And I think there are so many things we normalize simply because they are what we were exposed to. Sometimes you don't realize something isn't healthy until you've had enough distance from it to see it differently.

So, when I look back now, I don't think my mother was intentionally trying to put things on me that shouldn't have been mine.

I think she was surviving the best way she knew how.

For a long time, our household was just my mother, my younger sister, and me.

And somewhere along the way, my mom began relying on me as a second parent.

Being the oldest child and being parentified made me feel like I couldn't mess up.

There was always this expectation that I needed to be responsible. That I needed to understand. That I needed to help.

My mom would even tell me that I was her best friend.

Now that I am older, I understand that we are all living life for the first time. Nobody gives you a handbook explaining how to be a parent, how to heal from your own childhood, or how to handle every situation correctly.

But at the time, I didn't understand that.

I was young.

And honestly, I was immature too.

I didn't understand how adults could make so many mistakes when I felt like I was never allowed to make any.

There was even a point in high school when I worked three jobs while still going to school.

I was trying to financially provide for myself while also contributing to the household.

Looking back, I am grateful for some of what those experiences taught me. They made me resilient. They gave me perspective on struggle. No matter how hard life got later, there was always a part of me that thought, I've survived harder than this.

And I knew one thing very early:

I didn't want this life for my future children.

But being needed all the time also did something to me.

My mother saw me as her friend, and at the time, that hurt more than it felt good.

Because I knew she depended on me.

Not just physically or financially, but emotionally too.

And when you are a child carrying responsibilities that feel much bigger than you, eventually you start resenting the adults who put them there.

Around this time, I started watching Shameless.

And I know it might sound stupid to say that a TV show affected the way I thought about my own life.

But it did.

It wasn't only the show. I also had mentorship from my JROTC instructor and people around me who helped me see that there were other possibilities for my life.

But watching Fiona hit differently.

Because I understood her.

I understood loving your siblings so much that leaving them feels like abandoning them.

I understood feeling responsible for keeping everything together.

I understood being angry because everyone depended on you while nobody seemed to stop and ask whether you were okay.

And Fiona taught me something I desperately needed to understand:

No matter how much I loved my little sister, eventually I needed to leave.

Not only for my future, but for my peace.

By that point, I was working three jobs partly because I needed the money, but also because I would rather be anywhere other than home.

I kept myself busy because being busy gave me an excuse not to go back.

And eventually, that turned into burnout.

There is such an awful feeling in realizing you don't even want to go to the one place that is supposed to make you feel safe.

Watching Fiona stay for everyone else until she started falling apart herself made something click for me.

If I wanted a different life, I had to leave.

And that was incredibly hard.

Because as much as I wanted something different for myself, I wanted to stay for my younger sister.

The guilt of leaving her was probably one of the hardest parts.

I felt like I was choosing myself at her expense.

But, to my surprise, I actually think things improved after I left.

And with time, I realized something else too.

To an extent, I had enabled my family to depend on me.

Not intentionally.

I thought helping meant loving them.

I thought stepping in meant protecting them.

I thought being the responsible one meant I was doing the right thing.

But sometimes constantly saving people prevents them from ever having to figure things out for themselves.

Maybe I wasn't always warm in the way I expressed that.

Maybe sometimes my version of love sounded more like, "You need to do better."

But it was because I wanted better for all of us in the long term.

And eventually, I had to understand that wanting better for my family did not mean I had to sacrifice myself to make it happen.

At some point, you have to leave.

At some point, you have to choose yourself.

And choosing yourself doesn't always mean you stopped loving everyone else.

Sometimes it means you finally realized that you deserve a life too.

I made the decisions I needed to make for myself.

And strangely enough, leaving allowed some of my relationships to heal.

I can talk to my mother now without every conversation turning into a fight.

I can look at her with more understanding in my heart than resentment.

I can recognize that she was a person before she was my mother. A person with her own upbringing, mistakes, fears, and wounds.

And I can also recognize that understanding why something happened doesn't mean pretending it didn't hurt me.

Both can be true.

I can love her.

I can understand her.

And I can still acknowledge what being the oldest daughter cost me.

Maybe that's what growing up has really been for me.

Realizing that the adults I once resented were human too, while also realizing that the younger version of me deserved more grace than I gave her.

So, in a weird way...

Dear Fiona,

Thank you.

Thank you for showing a teenage girl in Queens that loving your family didn't mean you had to give them your entire life.

Thank you for showing me that leaving didn't mean I loved my sister any less.

And thank you for teaching me that sometimes choosing yourself isn't selfish.

Sometimes it's how you survive.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

In Solitude, I Smile

I’ve never really had a problem being alone.

And I don’t mean that in the whole “I don’t need anybody” way. I love my friends. I love being around people. I love having people to experience life with. But I’ve also never felt like I needed someone there in order to enjoy something.

I can eat alone. Travel alone. Spend an entire day by myself. Go somewhere because I want to go, even if nobody else wants to come. None of that has ever felt sad to me.

If anything, I genuinely enjoy my own company.

I never really thought much about it until I started noticing how hard being alone seems to be for some people around me.

I’ve watched friends keep people in their lives who they don’t even seem to like that much. I’ve watched people stay in situations that make them unhappy, entertain relationships they know aren’t going anywhere, or tolerate behavior they would normally never accept.

And sometimes I think it really just comes down to not wanting to be alone.

That’s probably what has made me appreciate solitude more. Because when you aren’t afraid of your own company, you don’t need to fill every empty space with another person.

That doesn’t mean I’ve always chosen the right people. Definitely not. I’ve kept people around longer than I should have. I’ve given chances I probably shouldn’t have given and ignored things I knew bothered me.

The difference is that being alone has never been the scary part.

I think there is something freeing about knowing that if someone leaves my life, my life doesn’t suddenly become empty. I’ll miss people. I’ll be hurt. I’ll have moments where I wish things had worked out differently.

But I’ll still be okay.

And maybe that’s why I’m becoming more selective about who I allow into my space.

My solitude is peaceful. Someone has to add to that, not just occupy it.

I don’t need every friendship to last forever. I don’t need to force a connection because we’ve known each other for a long time. I don’t need to keep talking to someone just because the alternative is having nobody to talk to that night.

Sometimes I’d genuinely rather just be by myself.

I think people hear that and assume it means you’re closed off or hyper-independent. I don’t think that’s it at all.

I still want deep friendships. I still want love. I still want people around me who know me and understand me. I want connection just as much as anyone else.

I just don’t want connection for the sake of connection.

There’s a difference.

Being alone has never made me feel like something is missing. If anything, it’s given me enough comfort with myself to recognize when someone’s presence isn’t actually making my life better.

And I think that’s something I’ll always protect.

I don’t need someone sitting in every empty seat.

I’d rather enjoy the space until someone worth sharing it with comes along.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Your Timeline

Life is so long.

At least, I hope mine will be.

So sometimes I genuinely don't understand the rush. The rush to find someone, get married, have children, settle down, and somehow have the rest of my life figured out before I've even had the chance to experience everything, I've worked so hard for.

And maybe that's the part that gets me.

I've worked really hard for this life.

I've worked hard for my independence. I've worked hard for my career. I've worked hard for the opportunities I've been given and even harder for some of the ones I haven't gotten yet. There are still places I want to live, things I want to accomplish, risks I want to take, and versions of myself I haven't had the chance to meet.

Why is it so wrong that I want all of that and love?

I don't want to choose between being deeply loved and deeply fulfilled.

I want the ridiculous love story. I want the person I can't wait to come home to. I want to build a life with someone. And one day, I want motherhood too. I want the ordinary Sunday mornings, the family traditions, the school events, the chaos, the routines—all of it.

I just don't need it all right now.

And honestly, part of the reason I don't want to rush into motherhood is because of how seriously I take it.

When I become a mother, I want to be a mother wholeheartedly.

I don't want my children to feel like they're competing with a version of my life I never got to experience. I don't want to look at them and quietly wonder about all the things I wish I had done before they came along. They shouldn't have to carry the weight of dreams I chose to leave unfinished.

I want to be there.

I want to know their teachers' names. I want to be obnoxiously present at their games, recitals, ceremonies, or whatever they decide to love. I want to know what's happening in their lives beyond the answer they give me when I ask how their day was. I want our home to be somewhere they actually want to come back to.

I want to have the capacity to be involved, dedicated, and present—not because motherhood becomes my entire identity, but because if I choose to bring children into this world, I want to take that responsibility seriously.

And maybe that's exactly why I'm not rushing.

There are things I want to do first.

Not because my dreams are more important than my future family, but because I don't want to resent either one for costing me the other.

I want to arrive at motherhood excited for that chapter of my life—not wondering if I closed the previous one too soon.

And I don't think wanting more time makes me less serious about love, either.

I've always believed love is abundant. I don't mean that people are replaceable or that meaningful relationships are easy to find. I mean I don't believe love is this scarce resource that I have to cling to the second it appears, terrified that I'll never experience it again.

Love happens. Love grows. Love is built.

And if I'm lucky enough to build something real with someone, I want our love to have enough room for both of us to continue becoming who we're supposed to be.

Of course love will change my plans. How could it not? When you love someone, their dreams, needs, fears, and future become part of the equation too. There will be compromises. There will probably be things I thought I wanted that suddenly don't matter as much anymore.

I'm okay with that.

Love can change my timeline. I just don't think it should erase it.

Because compromise is different from looking around one day and realizing I quietly abandoned everything I wanted because I was afraid asking for both would make me difficult to love.

And that's really what I keep coming back to.

Why can't I have both?

Why can't I chase the things I've spent years working toward and still fall stupidly in love?

Why can't I see the world before deciding where I want to stay?

Why can't I build something that's mine and then build something that's ours?

Why can't I become the woman I want to be before I become the mother I want to be?

Why does wanting a big life automatically mean I'm asking for too much?

Maybe I am asking for a lot.

But it's my one life.

I would rather spend it trying to make room for everything I love than start cutting pieces of myself away because someone else decided I was supposed to be finished dreaming by now.

I'm not finished.

And when love finds me—or when I find it—I don't want it to be the end of everything I've been building.

I want it to be part of it.

And when motherhood finds me, I want to be ready to love that chapter wholeheartedly too.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Bare Minimum

I genuinely don’t understand when the bare minimum became something people expected praise for.

You answered my text? Cool.

You were loyal? I would hope so.

You kept your word? That’s literally what you said you were going to do.

None of those things are a flex. They’re the foundation.

What really blows my mind is how quickly people will make you feel like you’re asking for too much simply because you expect the basics.

You want communication? You’re “too much.”

You want consistency? Your standards are “too high.”

You want respect? Somehow you’re the difficult one.

When did basic human decency become such a big ask?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I used to question myself. I’d wonder if maybe I really was expecting too much. Maybe I should just be happy they were trying.

But here’s what I’ve realized: the right people don’t make you feel guilty for having normal expectations.No one who genuinely cares about you is going to make you feel like respect is a luxury.

They’re not going to act like spending time with you is some grand sacrifice.

They’re not going to make you beg for communication, honesty, or consistency.

Those things shouldn’t have to be earned. They should already be there.

I think that’s why so many of us stay longer than we should. We become so grateful for tiny moments of effort that we completely overlook the bigger picture. We celebrate the one nice thing they did while ignoring the hundred things they didn’t.

I’ve been there.

I’ve made excuses for people because I loved them.

I’ve accepted breadcrumbs because I convinced myself they were enough.

Looking back, I wasn’t asking for too much. I was asking the wrong people.

And maybe that’s the lesson.

If someone constantly makes you feel like your needs are impossible to meet, maybe they’re just incapable/ unwilling to meet them.

Stop shrinking yourself to make someone else comfortable.

Stop lowering your standards just because someone keeps telling you they’re unrealistic.

The people who are meant for you won’t hear your needs and think, “She’s asking for too much.”

They’ll hear them and think, “How can I love her better?”

Because the bare minimum has never been impressive.

It’s the bare minimum.

And if someone makes you feel like expecting more than that is asking for the world, they’re probably not someone worth building a future with.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

When Did We Stop Being Curious?

This is one of those thoughts that randomly hit me, and now I can't stop thinking about it.

When did we stop being curious?

Not because we suddenly had all the answers, but because somewhere along the way we became more afraid of looking stupid than we were excited to learn something new.

As kids, we'd ask why about absolutely everything. We didn't care if it was a "dumb" question. We weren't worried about looking smart. We just wanted to understand.

Then we grew up.

Now people apologize before asking a question. They'd rather stay confused than admit they don't know something. Somehow, pretending to know became cooler than actually learning.

And I honestly don't get it.

If there's one thing about me that I hope I never lose, it's my curiosity.

I collect hobbies the way some people collect shoes.

One month I'm completely obsessed with learning something new. The next, I've found another skill that has all of my attention. I'll hyper-fixate on it, watch videos, read about it, practice until I feel like I've made progress, and then eventually something else catches my interest.

Some people look at that and think I can't make up my mind.

I look at it differently.

Every hobby, every random interest, every skill I've picked up has taught me something. Maybe not enough to become an expert, but enough to leave me a little more capable than I was before.

I don't think curiosity is about mastering everything.

I think it's about refusing to stop exploring.

Looking back, some of my favorite memories started with me simply asking, "I wonder if I could do that."

Sometimes it worked out.

Sometimes I was terrible at it.

Sometimes I realized it wasn't for me.

But I never regretted trying.

I'd rather spend my life collecting experiences than collecting excuses for why I never started.

I think we've become so focused on being good at something immediately that we've forgotten what it's feels like to be a beginner.

Being a beginner is uncomfortable.

It's awkward.

It's humbling.

But it's also where every interesting person you've ever met started.

Nobody wakes up knowing how to fly an airplane, play an instrument, speak another language, build a business, or master a sport. They all started by asking questions, making mistakes, and looking a little foolish.

And maybe that's the part we're all trying too hard to avoid.

The older I get, the less impressed I am by people who have all the answers.

I'm far more impressed by the ones who never stop asking questions.

Curiosity has taken me places I never expected. It's introduced me to new people, new perspectives, and parts of myself I didn't even know existed.

I hope I never become the person who says, "I'm too old to learn that."

I hope I'm still the eighty-year-old who randomly decides to pick up a new hobby just because it sounds fun.

Life is too interesting to only know one version of it.

So here's what I'm curious about...

What's one skill or hobby you've always wanted to try but keep talking yourself out of?

Maybe this is your sign to stop wondering... and just start.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Too much ?

I spent a long time wondering if I was just… too much.

Too emotional.

Too passionate.

Too caring.

Too ambitious.

Too opinionated.

Too loud.

Too loving.

It wasn’t because I believed those things about myself. It was because enough people made me feel like I should tone them down.

I remember being in a relationship where I slowly started making myself smaller without even realizing it.

I’d stop bringing things up because I didn’t want to be “dramatic.”

I’d convince myself I was asking for too much when all I wanted was consistency.

I’d celebrate my wins quietly because I didn’t want anyone to think I was full of myself.

At first, it felt like compromise.

Then it became habit.

Before I knew it, I was chipping away at pieces of myself just to fit into places I was never truly meant for.

Not because anyone demanded it outright, but because I thought if I could make myself a little easier, a little quieter, a little more agreeable, everything would work out.

It didn’t.

Instead, I found myself compromising the very things that made me me.

My voice.

My standards.

My confidence.

My joy.

I became a yes person to keep the peace. I started choosing comfort over honesty, acceptance over authenticity, and approval over self-respect. The more I tried to fit into spaces that required a watered-down version of me, the further I drifted from the person I actually wanted to be.

The saddest part?

No one ever asked me directly to become less. It happened in subtle ways. A sigh when I got excited. A joke about how passionate I was. Being told I was “intimidating.” Feeling like my standards were somehow unrealistic simply because they required effort.

So I adjusted.

I got quieter.

I expected less.

I questioned myself instead of questioning whether I was in the right environment.

But here’s what I’ve learned.

People who genuinely love you don’t benefit from you becoming smaller.

They don’t ask you to dim your personality so they can shine.

They don’t make you feel guilty for having goals.

They don’t make you feel high-maintenance because you expect honesty, consistency, and effort.

The people who are meant for you won’t love you despite your intensity.

They’ll love you because of it.

Looking back, I don’t think I was ever too much.

I was simply trying to earn a seat at tables that were never built for me.

The right places don’t require you to edit your personality to belong. They don’t reward you for abandoning yourself. They make room for who you already are.

These days, I don’t apologize for caring deeply.

I don’t apologize for loving hard.

I don’t apologize for having standards.

I don’t apologize for dreaming big.

Because every part of me that someone once called “too much” is the exact same part someone else will admire.

The right people won’t ask you to shrink.

They’ll hand you more room to grow.

If there’s one thing I hope you take away from this, it’s this:

Never chip away at yourself just to fit somewhere.

The places worth staying will never require you to become less to belong.

You were never too much.

You were simply becoming too big for places that were always too small.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Thought vs. Action

We live in a world that gives people far too much credit for what they meant to do instead of what they actually did.

“I saw flowers at the store and thought about getting them for you.”

“I knew that was going to upset you.”

“I was going to call.”

“I meant to start.”

“I wanted to.”

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but the thought isn’t the gift. The action is.

Thinking about buying flowers doesn’t make someone feel loved. Buying them does.

Knowing something will hurt someone doesn’t make you considerate if you choose to do it anyway. In fact, it almost makes it worse because it wasn’t ignorance. It was a conscious decision.

Intentions are where every meaningful action begins, but they were never meant to be the finish line.

The same applies to every area of life.

You can think about starting your fitness journey every Monday for a year. You can research workouts, save motivational videos, buy new gym clothes, and tell everyone you’re “about to get serious.” None of that changes your life until you actually show up. Progress comes from repetition, not contemplation.

Relationships work the same way.

People often ask why it’s so hard to trust someone’s words. The answer is simple: words create hope, but actions create trust.

If someone consistently tells you they’ll change but never does, eventually your brain learns that their promises are just possibilities; not realities.

We fall in love with people’s potential because we’re listening to their intentions instead of watching their patterns.

The truth is, everyone has good thoughts.

Most people think about being healthier.

Most people think about calling their parents more.

Most people think about telling someone they appreciate them.

Most people think about apologizing.

But our character isn’t measured by what crosses our mind. It’s measured by what we choose to do after the thought arrives.

The gap between thought and action is where integrity lives.

I’ve learned to stop giving people credit for almost doing something.

Almost showing up isn’t showing up.

Almost changing isn’t changing.

Almost loving someone isn’t loving them.

You know, this type of person used to drive me crazy. I’d get so frustrated because I’d hear all the right intentions, all the right words, and I’d almost give them credit for something they never actually did.

Now? I just let it go.

I’ve realized it isn’t my job to convince someone to become a person of action.

Instead, I use it as information.

To me, it’s proof that this person just isn’t where I’m at mentally. And that’s okay. Some people are perfectly comfortable living in the space between intention and execution. They’re okay with saying, “I thought about it,” as if the thought deserves the same weight as the follow-through.

I’m just not one of those people.

I’ve learned that I value consistency more than promises, effort more than excuses, and follow-through more than good intentions. That’s the standard I hold myself to, so naturally it’s the standard I look for in the people around me.

That doesn’t make them bad people. It just means we’re on different pages.

And once I stopped taking it personally, it became a lot easier to accept people for who they are instead of who they keep saying they’re going to become.

Because at the end of the day, people don’t experience your intentions.

They experience your actions.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Broken is Okay

Healing Doesn’t Always Look Like Progress

I think one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that being broken is okay.

Not forever. Not as a permanent state. But for a little while? It’s okay.

In my experience, running from being broken is far worse than actually sitting with it. When you refuse to acknowledge your hurt, it doesn’t disappear. It compounds. It hides in places you don’t expect and shows up in ways you don’t recognize until later.

After my last relationship ended, I ran.

Not physically, but emotionally. I sprinted in the opposite direction as fast as I could. I threw myself into distractions, new experiences, anything that would keep me from sitting alone with my thoughts. At the time, I convinced myself I was moving on. Looking back, I realize I was just hurting.

The truth is, I stayed in that relationship long after it stopped serving me. By the time I finally left, I was exhausted. I was carrying so much pain that I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.

And that terrified me.

I’m the kind of person who always wants to improve. I want to grow, learn, become better than I was yesterday. I like feeling strong. I like feeling capable. So not feeling like myself felt like failure.

But healing doesn’t always look like progress.

One of the greatest things I’ve learned growing up is how to keep going with an empty cup. I became so good at surviving on empty that I forgot I was allowed to rest. I could keep showing up, keep giving, keep carrying the weight no matter how exhausted I was. For a long time, I thought that was strength.

Now I see it differently.

Strength isn’t how long you can survive depleted. Strength is knowing when you’ve reached your limit and having the courage to pause. It’s recognizing when your cup is empty and giving yourself permission to refill it.

Sometimes healing looks like slowing down. Sometimes it looks like resting. Sometimes it looks like admitting that you’re not okay and allowing yourself the grace to stay there for a moment.

I’ve spent so much of my life pouring into other people. Loving them. Encouraging them. Supporting them through their hardest seasons. But somewhere along the way, I forgot that cups don’t refill themselves.

You cannot continuously pour into others from an empty cup.

So if I don’t quite feel like myself right now, that’s okay. Maybe this season isn’t about becoming more. Maybe it’s about recovering what I’ve already given away.

And if you’re feeling broken right now, I hope you know that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It doesn’t mean you’ve lost yourself. It doesn’t mean you’ll stay this way forever.

It simply means you’re healing.

And maybe for the first time in a long time, your energy is finally being poured back into the person who needs it most: you.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

The Straightest Thing A Man Can Do

There's something deeply fascinating about the modern “man”.

Not because they're mysterious. Not because they are hard to figure out. But because somewhere along the line, they became more obsessed with impressing each other than woman.

It’s baffling, how a man to my face will flirt with me, compliment me, beg for my attention, act obsessed (even suck my toes…shhh). Then turn around and talk shit about me to his boys like he’s performing for an audience.

Why are so many men centering male validation in every interaction they have with women?

Half these men don’t even want the girl. They want the story. The group chat brag. The APPROVAL from other men.

Has this all started with the sassy male pandemic? Why are gay friends exhibiting more chivalry than the so called “straight” man?

Makes we wonder are they really just closeted males?!

All jokes aside something has to be said for man who still embodies masculinity without it being performative for other men. Because somewhere along the line masculinity stopped being calm confidence and turned into performance art.

The part that really needs to be studied.

Why are boys (I do mean boys because this is high school behavior) out here claiming they slept with women they never even touched or spoken to? Like genuinely… what is the flex?

Be so serious. How impressive that i live rent free in your head that you have to make up stories about just being around me or with me. (Lolz)

Now, don't get me wrong - I am a grown woman. I enjoy sex. Not trying to act holier than thou about intimacy. But that's why lying feels so pathetic to me. Sex is normal. Attraction is normal. Rejection is normal. So if it happened, okay. But inventing stories about women just to get validation from other men? Seems like you rather edge to your buddies’ validation than actually being with a woman.

Does stroking your ego get you off better than real intimacy?

So maybe the straightest thing a man can do is mind his own business

Maybe women energy is so great we have to be used as social currency. For these insecure little boys to feel great about their ego. They can’t even create their own vibe they have to use our name to be recognized.

This is why modern dating can feel so exhausting because so many men are committed to the performance of being desired rather than actually building genuine connection.

Maybe the straightest thing a man can do now is stop performing for other men long enough to actually connect with a woman.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Gone International

I always knew I had lore, but I didn’t realize it had gone international.

Apparently there is a whole little hate club overseas dedicated to me. A group of women who have never met me, never spoken to me, and genuinely know nothing about me… yet somehow keep up with my every move like they’re subscribed to a newsletter.

And all of this over a man I was friends with years ago through work before they even knew each other existed.

The funniest part is I while we were friends he had expressed time after time he was into a mutual friend we had. Meanwhile apparently he liked me and admitted it to me once we had left and gone out separate ways (different countries).

Nothing happened. No secret relationship. No dramatic love story. We acknowledge it, moved on, and barely talked after that.

Fast forward years later now he’s married. I have not communicated with that man at all. Not secretly talking. Not “checking in”. Absolutely NOTHING!

Now don’t get me wrong, I actually think that’s a GOOD thing. I love when men fall in love, get married, unfollow old girls, and stop communicating. Girl…me too. I want my man acting exactly like that.

But to hate when I’m not even a factor is actually insane.

I really am flattered though. I’m officially expanded globally. Young, hot, and international hated.

Which really makes me wonder… did he exaggerate our friendship? Because why are FIVE grown women discussing me like I’m some forbidden ex when I was literally never even in the picture?

It’s just funny to me because imagine gathering together to passionately dislike a woman you have never met over a situation that never existed. That level of dedication almost deserves an award.

And the craziest part? I’m not even doing anything.

I’ll just be existing peacefully and meanwhile somewhere overseas a group chat is probably analyzing my Instagram story like it’s breaking news.

Honestly, at this point I kind of respect the commitment. Because me? I don’t even have enough energy to stalk people I actually know.

But anyways… sending love and kisses to my international fan club. I truly wish you all find something a little more interesting to do with your lives.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Cost of Potential

Maybe being held to a different standard was never a punishment. Maybe it was proof that people saw something in me worth expecting greatness from.

It took me a long time to understand why I was always held to a different standard than the people around me. Why mistakes that were brushed off when others made them suddenly felt bigger when they came from me. Why “good enough” never seemed to apply to me.

For a while, I resented it.

It felt unfair. Exhausting, honestly. Like I was constantly expected to be composed, successful, mature, disciplined, ambitious… all at once. Like people left less room for me to fail, less room for me to simply be human.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to see it differently.

People usually don’t place high expectations on those they believe are incapable of meeting them.

And maybe that was the reason all along.

Maybe people saw strength in me before I fully saw it in myself. Maybe they saw leadership, resilience, intelligence, or presence. Maybe they expected more because deep down they believed I could rise to it.

That realization changed everything for me.

Because what I once viewed as pressure, I now sometimes view as proof. Proof that I was never meant to play small. Proof that there was always something about me that stood out. Proof that people believed I could carry more, become more, achieve more.

And truthfully, becoming more is uncomfortable.

Growth asks things from you. Discipline asks things from you. Reinventing yourself requires courage. It is always easier to remain stagnant, to stay within the limits of what feels familiar, to never challenge yourself beyond the version of you the world already knows.

But there is nothing inspiring about shrinking yourself for comfort.

The world is full of people who settle into mediocrity because it feels safe. Becoming more will always intimidate those who refuse to evolve. Not because they are bad people, but because your growth becomes a reminder of what is possible when someone chooses courage over comfort.

And maybe that’s why depth, ambition, passion, and intensity can make some people uncomfortable. Because becoming extraordinary requires a willingness to outgrow old versions of yourself over and over again.

Of course, being “the strong one” can still feel lonely. There’s a certain isolation that comes with being the person everyone assumes will figure it out. The person expected to keep going no matter how tired they are.

But I no longer see those expectations as something designed to break me.

I see them as evidence that people recognized something valuable in me.

And maybe being held to a different standard was never a punishment after all. Maybe it was simply the cost of being someone others believed was capable of greatness.

Now the next time you feel like more is expected of you, don’t take it as people second guessing you. Take it as proof that they see you’re capable of more.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Welcome Back!

Unfortunately for everyone involved, Young, Hot & Unhinged is back.

I started this blog when everything felt cinematic. When every bad decision felt romantic, every heartbreak felt world ending, and every night out felt like the beginning of a story I’d eventually tell differently.

Then life got real. Weird. Painful. Beautiful. Embarrassing. Sometimes all at once.

There were moments I wanted to write about everything, and moments I couldn’t even find the words for myself.

But I think that’s the point of being young. You become five different people in one year and somehow still wake up as yourself. So here I am again.

Older. Hotter. Slightly more unhinged.

And this time, I have more stories to tell. 

New posts every Thursday at 8:30 PM.

Triad of Balance

This goes out to my HOTTIES who try to balance their passions, goals, and working. (requested blog)

We all as people sometimes try to do it all. We want to pursue our passions, goals, and work. I like to call this the Triad of Balance, because in all honesty it’s a balancing act.

Just like a balancing act it requires practice, which means a lot of trial and error. Now while you are juggling three different things you can really only focus on one thing max maybe two things at once. Spreading yourself too thin can lead to burnout and some unfortunate setbacks.

I have been known to be highly ambitious and constantly be pursuing my passions, goals, and work. For reference one of my passions is this blog, one of my goals is becoming an Air Force officer, and I still balance my work as an Air Traffic Controller. Starting with my job it’s known for being stressful and hard although I don’t find it to be. My biggest obstacle was my upgrade training, and the learning never really stops. However, I knew that had to be my first priority especially since work funds my living and all my other goals. Then, I focused on working towards my commissioning package which required me to balance school and volunteering. Somewhere, along the way I found a passion for blogging, but I do it whenever I can.

The best breakdown is prioritizing is key; identify your priorities and use time management tools. When it comes to identifying priorities start by clarifying what matters most to you at any given time. Is it advancing in your career, pursuing a creative endeavor, or achieving a personal goal? Utilize tools like calendars, to-do lists, or time-blocking techniques to structure your day around these priorities. This helps in staying organized and ensures that each area receives the attention it deserves.

Focus and mindless is your next key player, take it one step at a time and practice mindfulness. While multitasking seems efficient, it often dilutes focus. Instead, focus on one task or project at a time. This not only enhances productivity but also allows for deeper engagement and better results. Incorporate moments of mindfulness or meditation into your routine. This helps in reducing stress, enhancing clarity, and fostering creativity—all essential for maintaining balance.

Make sure while pursuing all this you remain flexible and adaptable, embrace change and learn to say no. Recognize that priorities can shift over time. Stay flexible and be prepared to adapt your schedule and goals accordingly. Understand your limits and don’t hesitate to decline additional commitments when necessary. This protects your time and energy for what truly matters.

Now if you ever feel overwhelmed you can always seek support and collaboration. Surround yourself with individuals who understand your aspirations and can offer guidance or encouragement when needed. Where possible, collaborate with others who share similar passions or goals. This not only enhances creativity and motivation but also distributes workload effectively.

Most importantly prioritize SELF CARE and REFLECT regularly. Remember to take care of your physical and mental well-being. Adequate rest, nutrition, and exercise contribute significantly to overall productivity and happiness. Schedule time to reflect on your progress and adjust your approach as necessary. Celebrate achievements, learn from challenges, and set new goals to continue growing.

The biggest takeaway is achieving balance among passions, goals, and work is an ongoing journey that requires patience, practice, and self-awareness. By prioritizing effectively, maintaining focus, staying adaptable, seeking support, and practicing self-care, you can navigate this triad with greater ease and fulfillment. Remember, balance is not about perfection but about continuous adjustment and alignment with what truly matters to you.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Jumping Jellybean

This goes out to my HOTTIES who have dated a short king.

Let me start by saying I am not tall by any means. I am only 5’2 ft, as others have said I’m only 62 inches. Which made my dating pool larger. Since my only requirement had been to be taller than, and LITERALLY everyone is taller than me.

Although my typical boyfriend had been about 6ft not all of them were. So, I’ve given that short king a chance in fact more than just one. My thought process was great things come in small packages (like me of course). However, they have come out to be nothing, but the same shitty men plus vertically challenged.

I am always here for discretion, so this awful Napolean syndrome of man I will talk about we should refer to him as the Jumping Jellybean. This man seemed great on paper, or shall I say at first, he did. I give him credit for acting humble for along as he did. Well accomplished at his job, caring, into investing, works out, and really cares about his family.

I couldn’t help but think what was I thinking? This man was in his 30’s and if he really was the whole package, why wasn’t he already taken? Foolish young me gave in to those first impressions and I really just felt pressure because this man was my supervisor.

I should have realized that I really just felt pressured because he was my supervisor. I was nothing but a spineless young girl too scared to tell her day-to-day boss no. It really would be easy for me to just blame it on that. But another big reason I couldn’t say no was because I was in the worst mentally state ever. I had just gotten an award at work and instead of the men at work congratulating me they called me a WHORE. The once friends I had now started hating me; I was holding on for dear life as a woman that had little respect to start with.

To all my readers that think I’m smart for my age and that I have it all together. Well just know at this point of my life I didn’t. My lapse in judgement made my confidence be flushed down the toilet. Which made me overthink my value in the workplace; and if you know anything about me my professional life is everything to me. The career hungry, motivated, confident, and happy woman had faded away.

I couldn’t help but overthink my value, my career choice, and most of all this shit show with my boss. Was it my fault for being vain and so into my looks? Did leaving everything I know to pursue my dream career WRONG? Was it my fault that I got black out drunk? Did he know how drunk I was?

This jumping jellybean might have been my biggest lapse of judgement/ mistake. It was the first time in a long time I had doubt in me. This was true learning experience that shall never be repeated again. Best advice I can give is this can happen to anyone, but the most important thing is how you come out of this.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Match My Freak

This goes out to my HOTTIES who bring all the PERSONALITY!

Let me start off by saying I know I am a BITCH. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Big personalities can be hard to understand and not for everyone. People like me are usually praised by the gays, others with big personalities, or the very rare secure/confident individual. Sadly, my demographic typically includes the insecure straight man (lol).

I find fulfillment in my friendships, which tend to be the most rewarding relationships. I am loud, opinionated, passionate, and driven. Most of all, I am unapologetic about it. When I’m wrong, I own it—I'm only human. If I don’t know something, I openly admit it and proceed to “fuck around and find out.”

I’ve been living with a “fuck around and find out” mentality for as long as I can remember. Of course, never at the expense of others or important situations. Life, as I see it, is a series of “fuck around and find out” moments. If I don’t try, I will never know, and if I don’t make mistakes, I won’t improve.

You know that saying, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results”? I’m sure most of you have heard it in science class or English. It holds the same meaning as “fuck around and find out.”

My mother, a traditional Hispanic woman, always said something along the lines of “curiosity killed the cat,” which I can’t help but laugh at. The irony is that my mother was the first in her family to do many things: putting herself through higher education, being a single mother of two, and much more. She basically lived life on “fuck around and find out.”

I can’t help but think that knowing the shit my mother has lived through and I have survived, why fear anything? I know who I am and what I stand for, so I can’t help but be confident, happy, and unapologetically me. The only person I have to explain myself to is me. So, yeah, maybe that makes me a bitch.

I’ll tell you what, though: you will never question where I stand. You will never question my intentions or end goal. It may not be the same as yours. Judge me if you want, but know that I couldn’t give two fucks.

To all the people who find me or people like me insufferable: it’s okay, sweetheart, what you feel towards us is none of our business. To all the people like me, keep doing you. We can only control ourselves and our thoughts, so why not make all our energy positive and productive?

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

AMERICAAA!

This goes out to my HOTTIES who LOVE 4th of July!

The Fourth of July is always a day of celebration, but this year felt extra special. Maybe it was the perfect summer weather, or perhaps it was just the right blend of good company and vibrant festivities. Whatever the reason, this Independence Day turned out to be one for the books.

I think this year especially the one for me because two things I love are JULY 4TH and CAESAR SALAD. Just some background information Caesar salad was invented July 4th, 1924. Which made this July 4th not only Americas independence but also the 100th birthday of the Caesar salad. So it was only right for me to bring in this glorious day in my best patrioct outfit and eating a Caesar salad.

I kicked off the day with a leisurely morning, enjoying the luxury of sleeping in a bit later than usual since Brianna (my roommate) and I hit the gym very late the day before. The sun was already shining brightly by the time I had my first cup of coffee. There’s something about a slow, relaxed morning that feels like a celebration in itself. I spent some time opening up the blinds and taken in the great rays.

One of the highlights of my Fourth of July was lounging by the pool and working on my tan. I recently discovered an amazing new sun tanning lotion that promised a golden glow without the harshness of some other products I've tried. As I applied it, the lotion's tropical scent instantly transported me to a beachside paradise. Lying back on my sun lounger, I could feel the warm rays enveloping me, the lotion working its magic as my skin gradually took on a sun-kissed hue. It was pure bliss, taking in the rays, feeling the gentle breeze, and knowing that I was safely and effectively enhancing my summer glow.

By midday, it was time to head over to a friend’s place for a classic Fourth of July BBQ and pool party. The smell of grilled burgers and hot dogs filled the air, mixing with the scent of sunscreen and the sound of laughter. It was refreshing interacting with new individuals and met this most wonderful woman (miah).

As the sun began to set, we gathered our things and headed outside to see some exciting fireworks. We found a perfect spot on the grass, spread out our blankets, and settled in for the show. The atmosphere was buzzing with excitement.

After the fireworks, a few of us lingered at the house, enjoying the warm night and the lingering glow of the festivities. We talked about everything and nothing, savoring the last moments of the holiday. When I finally got home, I was exhausted but happy, my heart full from a day well spent with people I care about.

This Fourth of July was a perfect blend of relaxation, fun, and celebration. It was a reminder of the importance of taking time to enjoy the moment, to celebrate freedom and friendship, and to make memories that will last long after the day is over.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Bittersweet Goodbyes

This one goes out to all my HOTTIES who are friends with an ex-lover

I definitely started off as a girl that thought “I could NEVER be friends with an EX”, yet time has come to prove me wrong. Now don’t get me wrong if a man cheated or did me dirty NO way in hell will I be forgiving. A bitch can hold a grudge and I like to thank my daddy for that. :)

Life has taught me that there will just be those lovers you will find that things have run their course. That each other’s goals, wants, or needs are simply not compatible. These are the lovers we grow to love enough to let go because we want to see each other happy without the expense of the others happiness. I like to call them my bittersweet goodbyes.

I wouldn’t do anything differently with these men, wouldn’t trade a single minute spent together. They grew to be the best and most gentle lovers I have ever known. To grow with someone and love each other enough to let each other go because we both deserve something more. This is truly something quite so beautiful. You become the greatest of friends supporting each other’s happiness.

In no way I am saying go ahead and make friends with all your ex-lovers. I am simply saying that sometimes we can just end romantic relationships on good/mutual terms. In no way do we need to have an active friendship with any of our ex-lovers; BOUNDARIES are still very important.

With all this I can’t help but think why we even wish evil/ bad on our EX?

Some do horrendous things, but I hope that they come face to face with their mistakes. Every time I have taken a step back and wished them nothing but the best they can have. But of course, not as fabulous cause they won’t have access to me (lolz). The world/ universe whatever you want to call it has met them with karma or made them reflect. So, don’t waste that negative energy because there is already so much out there. Instead wish your ex-lover nothing but peace after all this is someone you once whole heartedly.

This is good advice for even those friendships that come to end. Although they are two different types of love we have for people. I have come to realize for those moments that I need closure, that this approach gives me that. Nourishing your mind and life is the best type of closure you can give yourself.

So, the biggest takeaway is life is unhinged, unpredictable, and full of surprises. Our friendships and romantic relationships will have its own unique twists and turns. Embrace the unpredictability with an open mind and heart. There will be awkward moments, but also opportunities for deep, meaningful connections. Approach this new chapter with the same adventurous spirit that defines your hot, young, and unhinged lifestyle.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Twenties Tango

This goes out to my HOTTIES in their 20’s.

I have only embarked in my twenties chapter a year ago. Now I have been a victim of people always thinking that I’m in my mid-twenties. Used to make me think it’s because maybe I need some Botox or filler. I was in my head making up the idea that I had wrinkles. In time I was told that it was my mannerisms, the way I carried myself, and how put together I am.

Now while I do appreciate that I am put together; all of us are experiencing life for the first time. The 20’s are particularly special; we have a lot our life’s first during this time. That first big job, first apartment, first serious relationship, first roommate, first time living alone, first time moving to a new city, and many more. There is something so beautiful about your first, so much room for success and same amount for failure.

I can’t help but think that labeling setbacks or mistakes as “failures” seems irrational, especially when we're young and navigating these experiences for the first time. If you think about it is quite funny how we put these harsh expectations when half the time that you are in our twenties our frontal lobe isn’t even fully developed. Science has shown us that our prefrontal cortex is typically fully matured by age 25, some studies even suggest into the early 30’S. So, I guess what I’m saying is give yourself some grace in our 20’s we are still growing and still maturing.

One of my closest friends (Mark) tells me all the time that I have my life together. We had a quick little catch up session the other day and he’s basically known me my whole life. So, he has a good idea about where I started in life and some things I’ve been through. He was amazed that I had done everything and working on everything I said I would. Joining the Air Force, finish training early, pursuing my bachelor's degree, and doing volunteer work. It made me laugh, only thing I could say was “why wouldn’t I do all the things I set out to do?”

I have always known what I wanted to do and if things changed, I adapted. For all my friends that ask, “how I do it?” or “how do I keep up?” It comes down to why not. As young people we set out to do things we want and love. Some have given up and been through so much to be where they are. So, why not set out to do the things you want to do. Doesn’t always matter how you get there but that your journey was unique to you. That you stayed true, made mistakes, made huge leaps, and even encountered setbacks. However, progress is not linear especially when it comes to life.

In no way I am minimizing the struggles, but things require work. It’s okay to feel lost and not know what you want. There are plenty of people who are. As long as you're working on improving overall, the end result will be positive. If you are more like me and know exactly what you want it is also okay to feel overwhelmed. It is okay to take a step back to re-evaluate, to reprioritize, and sometimes a fresh pair of eyes is just what we need. One day at time with one goal at a time, and the goal keeps getting closer.

So, the biggest take away is the Twenties Tango will be chaotic, but it is so beautiful. We only get to be in our twenties once; take this time to figure yourself out, make the mistakes, and take the risk. You won’t get this time back and in your 30’s you’ll reminisce on these experiences/ memories. Live your 20’s the way you want to and don’t let anyone tell you different.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Roman Empire

This goes out to all the HOTTIES wondering who they can even trust.

This past week I’ve learned that a man you could solely be co-workers with can be madly in love with you. He could have made this fantasy/ delusion that you have somehow expressed any interest. Although you’ve only remotely interacted. Now this man is engaged to a woman you know, but you don’t really know her. You just know of her existence but basically have the same nearness as you and this DELUSIONAL man.

This is the same man you proposed to this woman. Is soon to be married. He is blowing up a female co-worker phone asking if she still has feelings for him. HOW? WHY?

Is it unreasonable to think that a man who is soon to marry is in love with only his soon-to-be WIFE?

So the only reasonable thing to do is tell him he shouldn’t be reaching out or feeling this way about anyone but his fiance. Tell him that the so-called feeling I thought I had for him never existed in the first place. It was through his own delusion. If he wasn’t in love with his fiance then he should call things off before he waste this woman life. HER TIME, YOUTH, and FEELINGS.

Can’t help but think if I can’t trust the man who claims to love me and proposes to me; then what love can I trust? Maybe I can still have hope that my female relationships are more fulfilling.

Just when I thought I had found a silver lining my friend Katie who dated this god-awful man for a year told me something to even make me second guess my female friendships. Not only had she dated this total douchebag for over a year; one of her so-called friends slept with the man and never told her.

Let’s say her friend’s name is Cathy, and Cathy had slept with this man before they had started officially dating. Typically I would say this is no issue. However, CATHY is the same woman who considers herself Katies best friend, twins, thicker than thieves. If this woman really felt that way about Katie why wouldn’t she tell her “best friend” about them hooking up?

If you hold someone in high regard, wouldn’t you want them to be fully informed? Some common decency so that if she ever heard anything about it there would be no doubt in her mind.

Granted the boyfriend never said anything but he’s a dirtbag all around. It could’ve easily meant nothing to either of them but still would’ve been nice to Katie the same woman who considered them to be sisters. If you cant even trust your closest friends then who can you trust?

Biggest advice I can give love who you want to love but don’t hurt or waste other peoples time. Think about it like, would you want someone to do this to your sister/ brother or child? Plus, Karma is very real so what you put out there will come back around.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)

Heartbreak & Healing

This is for HOTTIES always interigating about my love life.

This year I met the first man I ever truly loved. Now I understand that is a bold statement, but up until him it has been nothing but young puppy love. To be fair I’m only 20. So I guess I’ve now entered that point in life that I can emotionally and physically be deeper with someone.

Now as my friends know and make fun of me for, I notoriously date older men. Maybe its the daddy issues or abandonment. All jokes aside this was someone I did not see coming into my life at all. He’s significantly older and comes with baggage that deserves long time commitment. When he first reached out I really had second thoughts about even talking. Eventually I craved every interaction, the other things in the world seemed to fade away when together. I was happy to say the least.

This year I went through some hardships in both my personal and professional life. He was my biggest supporter and for once I met someone I actually wanted to spend time with. Despite my emotions or effort things didn’t work out.

Typically after a break up I spend time with friends and do things for self improvement. This time was different. As I am approaching the ripe age 21 I suppose it makes sense. It is said that every 7 years the human body goes through major changes, Maybe that’s why my old ways of coping and healing are no longer effective.

MAYBE I let myself be vulnerable; I had finally let someone close enough for me to care about them. Let myself fall in love because I wanted this to be it.

So now at this new stage in my life I look for new ways of healing. So if you ever feel lost its okay. Whether you are in your young 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, or 60’s; there is always more. I at times get overwhelmed because I feel like I should have everything figured out. However, life is forever changing so it is forever teaching us things.

A rough patch, a set back, a re-start are all opportunities for growth. Life is beautiful and has so much to offer. Never forget your worth but always strive to improve.

I will update you nosy HOTTIES on my healing sources at the end of this year.

Till next time HOTTIES (mwah)